


It ends or it doesn’t

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alone, Angst, Depression, Eventual Fluff, M/M, NSFW, Pain, Sadness, more angst than fluff, slight nsfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-17 21:02:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10602171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: “It ends or it doesn’t. That’s what you say. That’s how you get through it. The tunnel, the night, the pain, the love. It ends or it doesn’t. If the sun never comes up, you find a way to live without it. If they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed, learn how to make enough coffee for yourself alone. Adapt. Adjust. It ends or it doesn’t. It ends or it doesn’t. We do not perish.”— Caitlyn Siehl





	

**Author's Note:**

> slight NSFW
> 
> Enjoy.

Sirius was standing in front of the set of tall grimy windows that ran across the  living room wall of his childhood home. He was watching the snow coat the ground as the women with their prams trekked forward with children bundled so tightly only their eyes could be seen. He had been mesmerized by the view for the past few days, it was something so unbelievably normal and yet he wanted to cry. He wanted to rip and scratch and tear at the dull ache that sat curled like a snake in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to run out into the snow, feel the sun pierce his pale skin, feel the cold tingling in his fingers. But that ache had been there so long, 4380 days to be exact, that he didn’t know what it was like to live without it anymore. If he could.

But being back here was beginning to change that.

His emotions, ones that had stayed dormant for so long were unwinding themselves furiously at the most random of moments. He could feel rage burn deeply all over his skin when a plate hit the kitchen sink too loudly. He could feel agonizing sadness well deep in his chest at the sight of Remus’ visible ribs. He could feel overwhelming anxiety at the feeling of his wand curled between his fingers. It was all coming back to him, everything he had ever wanted to feel was floating through his body and he couldn’t tame it.

It was why he had been drawn to the window. He could stand and stare and feel absolutely nothing. It was easier, it was what he had learned to do in the confines of those four walls for all those years. If you let your mind go then the debilitating guilt, the crushing fear, the irreparable sadness, you would feel none of it. All he felt was the faint cold that came through the frosted glass and the fresh air the swept the room through the cracks. It was better this way; to walk through life half living.

By the sixth day however Remus had had enough of it.

He couldn’t watch the pattern anymore. He couldn’t see Sirius, his Sirius walking like an empty cast of who he used to be. He couldn’t stand to see himself as the shell of the man he once was either. But this was Sirius. The man was literally the brightest star in the sky, he was the Sun raining its golden light onto everything it touched, he was a crackling fire spewing laughter as its sparks, he was the swirling combination of every colour in the world because just the sight of effervescence like that could bring anyone to their knees.

The world could stand to lose him, he thought, they couldn’t stand to lose Sirius.

“Thought you hated this room?”

Sirius didn’t even flinch at the sound of his voice. His body stayed steady, his eyes locked out the window, his hands hanging relaxed at his sides.

“I do.”

Remus snorted, “Then why spend every waking hour in here?”

Sirius turned his head slightly and Remus swallowed hard, the sight of his darkened eyes and hallowed cheeks was always startling.

“It’s easier.”

“Easier than what?” Remus could feel the irritation bubbling under his skin again.

It had been so long since he had seen Sirius, so long since he had felt what he had felt for him but it was coming back in waves. That night, that night all those years ago he had hated Sirius. He had wanted to rip him limb from limb and sob all at the same time because this was his best friend, his roommate, his family. This person who he had loved so dearly, so desperately, had completely and utterly ruined him, ruined them. He had spent months staring at the photograph of Sirius in the paper, years going over and over and over the events in his head. He just couldn’t understand how he had got him so wrong.

But it made sense now, he finally understood why he couldn’t get rid of those feelings. Sirius was here now, the truth had sprung free and all the hatred and anger for him morphed into something because of him. He couldn’t stand what Peter had done, what he had caused, the feeling was enervating.

“Easier than this.”

Sirius lifted his arm up and let it fall back to his side. His eyes firmly fixed on the window pane again.

“Than this? What’s this?”

He watched as Sirius closed his eyes tightly, his fingers clenching into a fist, “Remus please.”

There it was, that irritation that Remus had felt winding in his stomach was pulsating through his veins.

“No Sirius! This is life. You don’t think I want to do that, stare out a window and pretend those twelve years didn’t practically kill me? You may have been locked up but I was here, I was alone out here thinking that my best friend murdered everyone I ever cared about. But I’m still here. And so are you! And so is Harry!”

Sirius had turned his blackened eyes to stare at Remus. His face was serene, nothing more than what Remus had been seeing every day since Sirius’ escape.

“Those twelve years did kill me.”

Remus could feel the tears welling in his eyes and he didn’t know if it was from the rage or the devastating sadness but they flowed down his cheeks. He kept his eyes locked on Sirius who continued to watch him back.

“No they didn’t. Life ends or it doesn’t and it hasn’t for you. That’s what I say. That’s how we get through it. The tunnel, the night, the pain, the love. It ends or it doesn’t Sirius.”

Remus could feel the electricity vibrating through the air. Sirius was unwavering in his stance, his beautiful dark eyes flickering between something that Remus couldn’t quite put his finger on. But he could feel the difference. He could feel his words doing something. So he pushed on.

“Sirius, if the sun never comes up, you find a way to live without it. If they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed and learn how to make enough coffee for yourself alone. You adapt. You adjust. It ends or it doesn’t. It ends or it doesn’t. But we, this, it won’t perish just because everything else around us did.”

Whatever Remus had done to Sirius with his words was evident all over his face as he suddenly crumpled to the ground. Remus surged forward to wrap Sirius in his arms as the cries wracked his body. He was breathing so heavily Remus thought he might burst, but he held onto him, steadfast and unwavering. He let Sirius’ tears soak his shoulder, he let his fingers dig themselves deeply into his skin, he let him press himself into Remus’ body as he shook.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” he trailed onward.

It was like a mantra Sirius couldn’t stop repeating. Something he had been holding inside for so long that if he didn’t let it out now he never would. So Remus let him chant it into his shoulder.

Then he let Sirius press his lips into his collar bone, into his throat, into that spot on his jaw that always made him groan. He let Sirius fiddle with the buttons on his dress shirt, the zipper on his tattered jeans, the hair that danced across the nape of his neck. He let Sirius press his calloused palms into his thigh, under his ribcage, anywhere he could grab. He let Sirius languidly run his tongue across his collar bones, down his chest, across his stomach.

It was all he could do to show Sirius he was alive; it was all he could do.

**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/152889664712/prompt-it-ends-or-it-doesnt-thats-what-you


End file.
